Monday, August 30, 2004



(Washington, DC—The Mall)—Much like a Theban tragedy without the incest, yet complete with chorus, the notorious Licensed to IL squeaked a win past the heavily favored North State Flood 18-14 under the cover of darkness and in late innings. With this defeat the Flood finish the regular season 9-7 and ranked in the top 30 teams to head into the playoffs.

“Let’s get it on” screamed Flood rookie Libby “Buy me a” Diamond, to start the ill-fated game.

The Flood rallied to an early lead in the top of the 1st inning, thanks in part to spectacular hitting by Steve “Jenny Finch” Thompson, Lance “Lisa Fernandez” Leggitt, Jordan “move up, move up” Paulson, Deb “I make it to games when it counts the most” Parkinson, and Bert “Timely press releases is my middle name” English.

Unfortunately for the Flood, games don’t typically end after the top of the 1st inning; the Licensed to IL rallied for a handful of runs as the result of well-placed singles and a long homerun to the National Archives by Brian “I’m really tall” The Firstbaseman.

The Flood rallied back with solid fielding by Erskine “Yankee’s Suck” Wells, turning two double plays, and by J. Paulson with a spectacular diving catch in left field, helping to stem the bleeding of runs by the Licensed.

Thanks to the great defensive prowess—the likeness I have not seen since the days of a young Cassius Clay, the Flood trailed by no more than 4 runs at any time throughout the game, and pulled within 2 in the top of the sixth, trailing 13-11. Short on daylight and with the stadium lights on the fritz, the Flood worked frantically to hold the Licensed scoreless.

Heading into the bottom of the sixth, after the fourth Licensed run scored it became apparent to everyone, including the two sweat-covered girls in matching jogging attire with opposite colored black and white shirts delicately prancing behind the Licensed’s bench who were in no way a distraction, that the Fates had cut the thread holding the Flood afloat.

A three run rally in the top of the seventh wasn’t enough for the Flood to survive. Speculations as to the Flood’s demise abound.

“The biggest change of the season was that we only consumed three beers over the course of 2 hours” stated veteran designated hitter Swole “Magnum, P.I.” Baird. “That is totally unacceptable and I expect to see a change by Saturday.”

“I couldn’t agree with [Swole] more if I had to and I don’t have to, so I guess I agree with him completely,” stammered Adam “185 systolic/100 diastolic” Paulson. “On Saturday, we’ll have beer to complement our Gatorade and possibly even a showing of the Captain for Meghan [“I kicked Whitey’s ass” Curran].

Thanks for a great regular season and I’ll see everyone tomorrow. Directions and updates will follow.


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